Mada Mada Da Ne

Kuroi Namida (Black Tears)

If there ever was a perfect word in the Webster dictionary to describe yours truly, then Mr. Webster really had me at the "v" section of his book. I first came across the world "vulnerable" when I was in grade school immersed in Sweet Dreams novels. It was pathetic, really, those Sweet Dreams books. I only read them since Japanese manga was nonexistent in my world at that time though I would picture out the cute guys in those books as Rukawa prototypes and hell, I didn't even know who Rukawa was at that time. Talk about "I knew I loved you before I met you!" Anyway, going back to the word "vulnerable," it was a funny twist of fate that when I was only about ten years old and not even really knowing what that word meant, I felt that it was me...fully...completely. It was as if that word was made because I existed, not the other way around. Oh, later on I found out the meaning of that word and it does apply to the situations of millions of other people but it had a different color, a much deeper vibe when linked with me. The connection went beyond the borders of mere definition..."vulnerable" had my name etched on it...like eternity in a tiny box...like time in a crystal bottle.

When I started obsessing with anime, I got hooked into the shoujo genre. For those who are just involved in mainstream anime, shoujo is a totally different world which they could barely touch, much less understand, but for eternal dreamers like myself, shoujo is the world that shows the true beauty of anime. Shoujo genre deals with real-life relationships...dating relationships, serious commitments, friendship, family, and all the intricacies of life and love with the magic of anime woven in making it all the more beautiful...and magical.

Anyway, watching shoujo gave an even more bittersweet meaning to the word "vulnerable" in my case. When I watched Mitsuki in Full Moon Wo Sagashite blindly believing in her one, true love whom she was separated from and believing with the purest of truths that her voice, her song could reach out to touch that love, my tears were unstoppable. I felt her pain...yet I felt her fulfillment in that painful moment. When I watched Nana, my realities became suffused with too much "vulnerability." Komatsu Nana...she falls in love too quick, too fast. She gives everything at one, single instant. She's not afraid to fall hard...and break down each time she does. The need to be loved, to be pampered, to be tucked with the warm blanket of emotional security seeped from every pore of Nana's being and the consequences brought about by such "vulnerability" were too painful to watch...even for me. I understood Nana so completely it scared me how the connection to my own "vulnerability" was so tight...taking my breath away.

I guess the strongest connection though was with Honey and Clover. I made a post way back on this anime on the "failed love" theory. Of course, I never expected anybody to understand just how much truth I uncovered with that anime...nor do I expect to meet anybody who would understand my "vulnerability" in loving.

Rambling on, I guess that's what makes my life so colorful...and sad. "Kuroi Namida"...I cry black tears...tears of frustration and of such deep-seated loneliness, a longing to be understood by this world encased in nothing but cruel realities. The plight of a romantic idealist is most pitiable....born to destroy and self-destruct...believing that others will fail me, will always fail me for the trust I reposed could never be reciprocated. Too many disappointments and betrayals in this lifetime...too many bitter memories...for all of them I shed black tears.

Many who are into anime claim they "love" anime but I wonder just how many of them watch with the blind faith of their souls rather than with the jaded visions of their eyes. Just how "vulnerable" are they to the naked truths anime portrays in each of the characters, in each plot, in each and every line and lyric? I cry black tears for I never felt so alone and yet...yet I still hope...and I do know right *here* that there will come a time that my "vulnerability" will be enveloped with "security" by the one who will turn the black tears to crystals of pure, white eternity.

Xxx...holic...

Just finished watching Xxxholic and I am left in about as much a weird state by that anime than the anime itself...whatever that means. So for today, I will entertain myself (as I usually do) with some totally random and xxxholic ("holic" means an addiction to something like that affliction collectors have for their umm...collection...duh!) thoughts:

1. I took an MI test yesterday which told me that I am an "intrapersonal" person. My lowest score was with the "interpersonal" category. That explains a lot. Since I'm "intrapersonal," I'm not "interpersonal." Duh!

2. My clients have not been paying me on time. I'm thinking of resorting to voodoo to get them to pay. Should be more effective than demand letters.

3. I just found out I only have two friends whose zodiac signs are "Leo." I never liked animals anyway.

4. Someone told me she thought I "gained weight." She should have looked in the mirror first but then, her reflection wouldn't be covered in the entire mirror. I don't have any extra fat in my body. If I were a pig, the slaughterhouse would pay to keep me out.

5. I blew my top last night. It was way better than losing my bottoms. Hah!

6. I am now nearing the same age as Kenshin. Well, we're both anti-aging anyway.

7. I am currently hearing Kujibiki Unbalanced playing in loop in my head. This only proves that I am normal and it's the rest of the world that's peculiar.

8. I recently developed a great aversion for clowns. They have such big, fat mouths.

9. My neopet is still alive!!!

10. I want to eat choco-banana crepes with three scoops of vanilla ice-cream...no cherry on top.

11. Somebody said using artificial family planning methods is expensive. The last time I checked, a condom cost less than Php 20.00.

12. I only checked the condom price. I have no use for it. Haha.

13. I have not had a bishounen attack for the past two months. It's highly unnatural. Am I abnormal now?

14. Maki Pulido from Reporter's Notebook called me up yesterday for a phone patch interview. I told her I'm afraid the phone can't talk.

15. I don't have anything to wear...and three closets to keep them all in.

16. I dumped Rukawa. He told me I was as beautiful as a newly-pumped, newly-waxed Spalding.

17. ... which got me to thinking: did he meant that my face is round as a cookie and white as flour?

18. Rukawa is not a figment of my imagination but for some reason, I am the only one who can see him.

19. Hey, I can't help it, I'm normal! It's the lot of you who's peculiar.

20. I make sense to myself.

Declaration of War!!!

Banners up fellow anime otakus!!! Those who were unfortunate enough to view the garbage of an episode of Jessica Soho Reports last night should realize by now that what that misinformed, unbelievably stupid show did was a total insult to say the least to all anime fans out there. First of all, let me start of venting this incalculable fury by saying that I, once upon a time, had respected that overweight journalist for "researching" her material before airing it on nationwide tv. I take it back. That buffoon just takes hook, line, and sinker whatever her researchers feed her without bothering to verify the data.

For those who may have missed that God-forsaken episode, the show featured "hentai animes" and actually blamed the stuff for spurning abnormalities in the sexual and psychological development of children, especially teenagers. To pump things up a bit, Jessica Soho conducted an interview with a supposed "otaku" who collected anime dvds and such. For the love of Inari-sama, that pig interviewed a hormonally imbalanced idiot whose idea of anime was that it was "cool" to watch because of the "great drawings." I could have puked right there and then.

First off, Jessica Soho lumped anime into two major categories, the "hentai" stuff and the "cartoons," claiming that the "wholesome" anime is supposed to be for kids. Ok, the worst thing about nosy people is that they never seem to leave enough alone. What the hell did anime do to them anyway? Anime has been in existence for decades, even before we knew that it was called anime, and that includes hentai anime. Why should they now pick on it as a reason for the sexual abnormalities of isolated perverted individuals? Anime is not "cartoons," for the gazillionth time! Japan has refused to call it "cartoons" specifically because the cartoon term was a Walt Disney creation to separate kiddie shows from adult ones. Anime was never intended for kids because of its intricate plots, realistic portrayals of situations, intense characterization, and soulful views of relationships. That's what separates it from "cartoons" albeit it is portrayed in "animation" style and not with live actors. Even the most mundane anime like Dragonball Z and Akazukin Cha Cha have complicated storylines that would put Grimm's Fairytales to shame.

Second, not all hentai animes are about fucking each other's brains out. Even the most bizarre hentai anime has a storyline that could actually be a good plot for an otherwise "wholesome" anime if it were not for the head-banging sex and stuff. Of course, the fact that that perv Jessica Soho interviewed had donut dough for brains by categorizing Alice Academy as hentai didn't exactly clear the already muddled waters. Anime is being misunderstood enough as it is without her throwing in more mindless confusion. If she considers the necessary love scenes in anime as hentai, then woe befall Nobuhiro Watsuki for even creating Seisouhen or Ken Watanabe for even thinking of animating Basilisk. If I were Watsuki, I would be carrying a deathscythe right this moment to butcher GMA's so-called top journalist for mercilessly murdering my life's work, reducing it to lower that snake's spit. Seisouhen even proclaimed to all viewers to watch the movie with "all their hearts." Little did Watsuki know Soho was blaming Kaoru's unconditional love for Kenshin as a source of neurotic disorder in today's teens.

Third, I am a journalist myself and isn't it one of the basic tenets of "responsible journalism" that you always have to get both sides of the issue before presenting the same and present the sides in equal proportions so that the public can decide for themselves which side is actuall valid? Then why did that hog interview a hormonally crazed perv and failed to solicit the opinion of the other true-blue anime otakus who do not let their sexual organs think for them?

Lastly, I would like to point out that last night's episode of Jessica Soho Reports really stabbed at the very heart of the otaku culture. We, who work so hard to promote anime to the already jaded and misinformed world are being slapped so hard in the face. Anime is not just a hobby for the otaku. It is our religion, our way of live. We live and breathe anime because it is reality as "it should be." We know the characters not just as "cartoons" but as parts of our lives. I grew up with Yuusuke, fell in love with Kurama, admired Kenshin, was protected by Rekka, laughed with Ranma and Onizuka, tried hard to be like Yankumi, understood from the depths of my heart Takemoto's feelings, fought long and hard with Kira, Asran, Ichigo, and the Sanzo-gumi, played and cheered with Sakuragi, Rukawa, Eichizen, and the entire Seishun and Shohokou Academy, cried with Mitsuki, felt at peace with Tohru, and created so many memories with all my other anime friends. I came to understand life's beauty, love's magic, and friendship's strength because of anime and I want to share all these truly wonderful things with those who would just give up without even trying. I have made it through a lot of difficult times because anime was there to show me that it's never over until you say so, hence the title "Mada,mada da ne." My life is not without its proverbial potholes but I walk that path with an optimistic mind and loving heart because anime has taught me that my happiness lies in conquering my own self.

GMA once declared itself an anime nation, but GMA betrayed us otakus. Now, GMA is handing us over for a death sentence. This is beyond cruel. We cannot take this lying down...not anymore. Anime has given me and my brother the chance to believe that dreams are not mere illusions but shadows of reality that only need to be given substance. We have been living our dreams and we live to share those dreams with our fellow otakus and those who have not yet seen the light. We will not allow irresponsible people like Jessica Soho and GMA to snuff the flames that kindle our dreams. Kenshin always said a person is strongest when he lives for others and lives to protect. I endear all my fellow otakus to help protect the otaku culture and the anime nation from the new devil that has risen. THIS IS WAR!

Snow Angel

"Snow Angel" is actually the title of Onegai Teacher's theme song sung by Kotoko. It's one of those soft-themed animes which centers on the universal plot of a simple-turned-complicated love affair. However, since it is anime, it just has more depth, more edge, and more soul that your usual humdrum, shallow collection of telenovelas and blah romance novels.

I chose to name this post Snow Angel just to introduce a sweet little concept that has been floating in my sweet not-so-little mind for eternity. You see, I always have these conversations-turned-arguments with certain people regarding the concept of "love." A friend of mine challeneged me to define "love," something which I refused to do. I told him that defining Love is equivalent to placing parameters on it. In short, you are just limited with whatever definition you choose to give it. I believe this is utter crap since Love is supposed to be unconditional, transcends normal human boundaries, hence indescribable and indefinable. So I told him, "I cannot define it for I am not worthy. Only God could possibly define love. But I am human so though I cannot define Love, I know it because I can feel it...here."

Another time, another friend on the net said that Love is conditional, never unconditional since it is a contract between two persons. I think she was confusing Love with Marriage, the latter being an inviolable social contract. She also said that human love is imperfect that's why it's conditional. How sad. It seems a lot of us think so little of our capacity to love and that whatever we do in this world is just full of imperfections. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We believe we are incapable of giving true and pure love even before we could even try. But how come we think it's so impossible to give a pure and true love? Don't we at least believe in our capacity to dream, to fulfill that dream, and to believe that since there is a Higher Being in this world, we could reach that dream of loving completely?

*Sigh*...sometimes it pains me to know that in this world, there are only few romantic idealists left. Surely, if we just think that all we are capable of giving is an imperfect human love, then there's no reason for us to even try loving at all. I am not saying I'm the only one who knows how to love but I do try to transcend beyond selfish human thinking that you only love if you're loved right back. I have loved so many times, been hurt so many times, but as I matured over the years, I've learned that there is no sweeter, more fulfilling thing than to just love without expecting anything in return. It's like sharing a part of yourself with someone and creating a memory to cherish forever...over time. There's no need for reciprocation...just the realization that you have truly learned to love.

As Takemoto said, "I often wondered if there was any meaning to a failed love. When I fell in love with you, I was truly grateful for I learned that indeed, there was a meaning. Surely...there is." Takemoto loved Hagu but Hagu could not return Takemoto's feelings. However, this did not stop Takemoto from loving her. Hagu, for her part felt that sweet, pure love that was innocent yet passionate, meek yet brave and though she could not return it in the same manner, she cherished all the memories she shared with Takemoto and loved him in her own way. Takemoto was right. There was a meaning to a "failed love." In fact...it was never a "failed love" at all.

Of course, many would still refute all these ideals that I have, but then, remember---these are MY ideals...my DREAMS. I live and breathe them. I am the way I am because I believe in them. I am not saying what I believe in is right or in any way better, but I do know one thing---I am contented with the way I love and the way I am loved back, even if the feelings returned are not in the same level. This means, I am doing something right for myself...and for that other person.

With this little piece of prose, ponder a while on these heartwarming lyrics from Snow Angel. May you have the strength to continue dreaming and loving like the rest of us at Radical Dreamers 2002...

"Two shadows are standing side by side carrying frozen hearts
Our chance meeting in this snow-white world was a miracle
meaning that I'm not alone anymore.
Instead of searching for words
I'm praying to snow angels
In the spinning, starless sky..."

Vanity of Vanities

I took this face geneology test several times with several different pictures and 95% of the time, I wind up with the same celebrities. The most common names to pop up seem to be Kana, Lee Hyori, Song Hye Kyo, Ami Suzuki, Ueto Aya and Zhang Zi Yi. What I have in common with them is one hell of a damned puzzle even to me. I think the system's gone bonkers...duh! (Sure would've been nice if I DID look a bit like them :-( )
 

Honey and Clover

I'm a blue funk these days...must be the result of indulging in too much shoujo every night. I've just finished watching Peach Girl (which was a total nerve-wrecker) and tried to soothen my poor hyperacticve nerves with a bit of Honey and Clover, it appearing to be all pastely and slow-paced. That was a major misconception.

Someone told me I love to wallow in misery. He said I liked feeling "lonely" for some reason. Maybe his right, maybe he isn't. The thing is, I've known for a long time that I'm so different. I've yet to come across another romantic idealist like myself, the kind who, like me, believes that others will fail me first before I will fail them. I expect the misery, that's why I look forward to it. In any case, I'm kinda "lost" these days. I mean, I always knew there was this deep void inside me that could only be pacified by anime but lately, the void is slowly engulfing whatever light I have burning within. I cannot explain this sound that I hear over and over again, like the wheels of a bicycle---monotonous and empty.

I'm searching...searching for answers that I know could not be found. I have been searching for a long time and with every step of the way, I hear that same sound---churning in my brain, echoing in my heart. I do not know what or who could fill this void. I've tried so many times, looked into so many souls but my hands and yes, my heart still remain empty.

As I watched Takemoto riding his bike in Honey and Clover, I too heard the same echoes as he. It was the sound of loneliness. It was having a map but not having a destination. I know I'm moving forward but where exactly am I moving towards to?

Maybe that's why I should keep riding...keep moving forward without ever looking back. I believe it's the only way I would realize how important the things I left behind are to me.

Earlier today, a friend told me that I should not give in to my emotions easily. He said I should "savor the moment" while it is still alive and could be touched. But then, when I do that, all I could taste is the bittersweet flavor of loneliness...

I want to find my answers soon...but I have been searching for twenty seven long years. I must find it...someday...surely...

Houkiboshi

A bit of a 411 for the unitiated: the creator of that mainstream anime Naruto which everyone goes bonkers over is the very same genius who created Bleach. Naturally, while most ignorant Filipinos only know from Naruto (and here I am talking to those without any anime sense in them who watch Tagalog-dubbed versions of the series), Bleach is actually the better series in my undaunted, unwavering, and never-to-be-challenged opinion. Of course, Bleach took a bit of a downturn after the tremendous climax of Season 1. The Bound Arc is just a major feeler, or so I think, to make Aizen and his company of loonies (and here I am so referring to the crackpot Ichimaru) regroup or something. Nonetheless, I am writing this completely nonsensical update not for any reason but juts to express annoyance over the hype over Naruto which is vastly overrated. I'm not an anti-Naruto, mind you. If I were, how in the world would I explain my never-ending obsession over YuYu. But Naruto is well...just too "ugly" (I'm referring to the character, not the series) though I am not too shallow enough to judge an anime merely by its animation. There's just not too much plot in Naruto either. As with Bleach, well the Second Season is a bit of a disappointment but the First Season was enough to get one hooked. Besides, Ichigo is a damn sight better than Naruto, mwahaha! Oh well enough of this don't bite my head off this is a BLOG and I'm entitled to BLOG my views no matter how nasty (grins evilly). I'm off to watch Ouran High School Host Club, betcha you never heard of that one (bleh!). Ja!

 

The Principle of Equivalent Exchange

I recently acquired a new car---a Nissan Maverick, small, convenient, inexpensive. It's a darling little car and not at all like your hi-end luxury cars (though it does come with automatic transmission, glory be!) but I love it and I even christened it "Shinkumi" (as you can see, I'm still in a Gokusen hype ^_^). But my car is not the main topic of today's post. I will just use it as a forerunner for another one of my "enlightening" anime ramblings.

I recently finished watching Full Metal Alchemist and although the ending didn't quite suit my highly romantic idealist side, I believe the manga would (if it ever ends that is). Anyway, what really attracted me to FMA was not the animation, heaven forbid, nor the characterization, nor even the plot though admittedly all these elements were balanced quite formidably by the creator to come up with a non-mainstream yet attractive series. What drew me to the series was how a single episode managed to engrave in my heart permanently the principle of "equivalent exchange." Who would've imagined that I would find answers to paradoxical queries in anime?

Going further, FMA centers on how the Elric brothers came to know the fearsome powers and even more frightening limits of the power of alchemy. "In order to obtain, something of equal value must be given in return." Thus, alchemy is not based on actual creation of a thing out of nothing but rather on the "reconstruction" of one thing to another. In order to create, you must first have something to deconstruct and recompose. Such is the way of alchemy that the Elric brothers, losing their mother at tender ages, decided that the theory of equivalent echange would work to bring their dead mother back to life. Gathering up all the components that make up a normal human's body and shedding drops of each sibling's blood, the two called forth to life their mother, only to find out one very important thing: equivalent exchange can never apply to humans. "We were mistaken Al. After all, nothing in this world could be equal enough to mother's life." Thus, they learned that human life is not only fragile but priceless...it cannot be replaced by mere elements of nature just as one human being can never substitute another. Each is unique and should be appreciated as such.

Applying this to my own life's experiences, the principle of equivalent exchange generally rings true in this seemingly unfair world. When you work hard enough, you get rewarded, sometimes not really in the way you want to be rewarded but something is really given back to you. When you do the right thing, things turn out they way they should. The results may not exatcly what you hoped for, but they turn out "as they should be." However, there are times when we give something in order to obtain, we feel like victims of highway robbery when what we obtain is not proportionate to what we gave or when we obtain nothing at all. I don't really understand this myself but one thing's for sure. Perhaps we seek with jaded eyes that's why we cannot uncover the "true thing" which we obtained. What we seek with jaded eyes is often clouded in boundless mystery, thus, we must look further and most of all...we must believe.

In my case, I remembered the many times I was kicked so hard even though I was down...false, scandalous sex videos, hellish life at my previous office, mixed-up romantic relationships. In the end though, all the sacrifices I've put in helped me obtain certain strengths more than the equivalent of the pain I've undergone. Hmm...equivalent exchange huh? Of course, there are certain things that could never be with any equal...life and love to name a few. The Elric brothers learned that their mother's life had no equal. I learned that being yourself and believing in who you are and what you can do could never be traded for anything.

But as it stands, FMA's theory on the principle of equivalent exchange bears much truth. I've endured a lot this year. I'm still enduring the hateful jealousy of certain people. I do not seek vengeance. I just remain who I am. In the end...I've been a good girl and the return I get? I have friends who love me for who I truly am, wonderful family, wonderful work associates, and John2 who's the best icing in the whole huge cake of blessings. Add to that ANIME to last a lifetime and my brand-new car---how's that for equivalent exchange? ^_~

To my beloved...prepare to die!

Mwahahahaaa! Cloud and I are watching Basilisk right now and man did this line totally zonk me out! "To my beloved...prepare to die." Yeesh! Basilisk is kinda similar to Shinobi...or so Cloud says. The thing is, the only question you'd bother to ask throughout the entire series is: who's gonna die in the next episode? Oh, and imagine giving a love letter to your beloved that lists the ten top people in her clan that you're going to wipe out---and vice-versa. Hmm...maybe we should do warfare that way. There could be less bloodshed and it's a very practical way of doing things (Haha!). List the top ten warriors on each side and have them slash each other silly and the one with the most members left over wins the war. Convenient, a brilliant time-saver, and exciting as well. Anyway, there's nothing much to drabble about today. I'm just hella bored after all the adrenaline rush for The Play's The Thing had worn out. Next time, I wanna do Gokusen (oh yeah I'm still into the Matsumoto hype and it'll take months to wear down so bear with me). Ja!

Yankumi's Way

I knew I made a post titled "Yuuri's Way" before and I did resolve to learn Yuuri's Way one way or the other. Well, just to let the world know how wonderfully inspiring anime really is (especially to the genuine otaku ^_^) just wanted to make a rush post about this totally sugoii message Yankumi (Yamaguchi Kumiko...still in Gokusen mode here minna) gave to her 3-D Shirokin Gakuin students. It goes something like this:

"3-d may not be the best students academically. People think they're trash just because they don't get good grades and they look different from all the other students in school. But during the time I spent with them, I learned what they truly are, who they really are. Everyone of us makes mistakes. It's just that they make more mistakes than others. So, it is our duty as teachers to guide them towards the right path. Remember, the most important thing is that these guys' hearts are in the right place...and I am proud to say that I'm their homeroom teacher."

Ahhh...to be a romantic idealist is really a beautiful thing ne? Yep, yep, we all make mistakes every now and then and some of us make more mistakes than the others. I could totally relate. A lot of people "condemn" me for my strong character. But I've always truly believed that I am not a bad person. My heart is in the right place...and that's what's important. I guess those who know me...who truly know me could vouch for that ^_^. That's why I love anime so much. It has taught me to see the substance beyond the shadows of forgotten dreams...to truly see...to truly believe ^_^.

Lordcloudx: Live Actions are based on anime or mangas-turned-anime brother dearest so though it's in a quite different package,the soul is entirely anime...you should know that, ne?